Of Facebook hackers, stalkers and pirates
by emmaplodocus
Summary: Blaine leaves Facebook loaded up far too often and needs a password change, Puck is a Facebook stalker, photo albums are Facebook's worst feature, and Kurt is going to kill Finn.
1. Chapter 1

**So I was working on my story and THIS Happened… **

**(I got the warblers last names from the gleewiki)**

**I hate that this site has reduced me to liking these stories but I was bored and wanted to write one.**

**I had far too much fun writing this – I hope someone finds it funny!**

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> is exhausted and his right hand hurts. Where is **Kurt Hummel** when you need him?

(**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman** likes this)

**- Blaine Anderson**: Kurt I promise I was facebook raped!

**- Wes Montgomery**: Lies!

**- David Thompson**: Gross Blaine. Keep it to yourselves ;)

**- Kurt Hummel**: You two are in serious trouble. (**Jeff Sterling** likes this)

**- Santana Lopez**: Wanky ;)

**- Kurt Hummel**: Shut it Satan. (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman** and **Quinn Fabray** like this)

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><p><strong>Brittany S. Pierce<strong> Oops I did it again!

**- Santana Lopez**: Are these lyrics or have you done something? xxxx

- **Brittany S. Pierce**: I sat on Lord Tubbington again

- **Santana Lopez**: Omg Britt is he okay? xxxx

- **Brittany S. Pierce**: He didn't even wake up. Too much padding. He's tired because he beat me at 6 games of connect 4 last night :( (**64 people** like this)

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> is seriously embarrassed he is friends with people who cannot even sit through a movie in peace and quiet!

(**Thad Harwood**, **Mercedes Jones** and 3 **others** like this)

- **Nick Duval**: Oh come on! The movie was lame! It was funny!

**- Mercedes Jones: **Seconded. You need to chill!

**- Kurt Hummel**: No, I have to shower there's popcorn in my hair.

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><p><strong>Wes Montgomery<strong> Just walked in on **Blaine Anderson** standing at my computer trying to think of a frape. I shoved him to the floor before he could even post one. (**Thad Harwood **and **David Thompson** like this)

**- Blaine Anderson**: My side hurts :(

**- Kurt Hummel**: Blaine that's pathetic. You really couldn't think of ANYTHING?

**- Blaine Anderson: **:(

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><p><strong>Artie Abrams<strong> Refuses to accept responsibility for running over **Sam Evan**'s feet. They're abnormally big,

**- Sam Evans: **I'm rolling you down a hill.

**- Brittany S. Pierce**: That sounds fun, I'll ride on top of you when you do Artie! (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman **likes this)

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> to **Noah 'Puck' Puckerman**: You like everything Puck. You are such a Facebook stalker! (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman** likes this)

**- Kurt Hummel**: Of course. (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman** likes this)

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> has had an AMAZING night with his GORGEOUS boyfriend!

(**Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang** and **7 others** like this)

**- Jeff Sterli**ng: Oh you have a boyfriend. You never mentioned it.

**- Nick Duval**: Wonder who it is?

- **Kurt Hummel**: Shut it. I'm happy.

- **David Thompson**: As is little Kurt.

- **Blaine Anderson**: It's not little!

- **Santana Lopez**: Nice going prep school! (**Blaine Anderson **likes this)

- **Kurt Hummel**: Blaine!

- **Blaine Anders**on: Just defending your honour babe! ;)

- **Kurt Hummel**: I'm trying to decide whether to punch or kiss you right now.

- **Blaine Ande**rson: Awww you know I would never post any personal stuff on here :(

- **Kurt Hummel**: Okay! Kiss it is! :D

- **Thad Harwood**: On behalf of all the Warblers we all think you're both nauseating. (**12 people** like this)

- **Kurt Hummel**: Well me and Blaine think you can all suck it!

- **David Thom**pson: That's Blaine's job.

- **Wes Montgomery**: I can't decide if I should 'like that or not David :/…Wait, you're both in the same room? Why do we have to suffer this shit?

- **Blaine Anderson**: Mouths are occupied ;)

- **Kurt Hummel**: True. (I like undapper Blaine…)

- **Lauren Zizes**: Man, I need to get myself to Dalton. Guys getting it on are HOT! (**Santana Lopez** likes this)

- **Finn Hudson**: Sorry in advance Kurt…

**- Kurt Hummel: **What? Finn what have you done?

- **Kurt Hummel:** Finn?

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> to **Finn Hudson**: YOU ARE SO DEAD. All of the shit you have EVER posted on here and OF COURSE you leave Facebook open for the entire world to view the ONE time that I have AN INNOCENT ONLINE FLIRT with my boyfriend? Dad just rung me, he read everything!

**- Mercedes** **Jones**: The one time? Really?

- **Finn Hudson**: Sorry Kurt :/ I'm normally careful about that! I didn't mean too! But mum made cake and I was distracted…

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><p><strong>Finn Hudson<strong> is seriously scared of **Kurt Hummel** right now.

(**Kurt Hummel **likes this)

- **Sam Evans**: Dude, you're scared of the dark. (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman** and **Holly Holliday** like this)

**- ****Matt Rutherford**: I miss you guys :(

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>to **Kurt Hummel: **What did your dad say? Is it safe for me to come over tomorrow?

- **Kurt Hummel: **Yes you're safe. As long as WE'RE safe and you're treating me right, and we don't rush, and as long as we don't succumb to peer pressure, and as long as I know that if you hurt me dad can run you over and make it look like an accident and as long as I know that both of our feelings matter too much to rush into doing something because that stuff is still good when you're an adult (TMI TMI TMI) so maybe we should wait until then and not rush and do things well regret!

- **Blaine Anderson: **Maybe I'll come over the day after tomorrow.

- **Jeff Sterling**: LMFAO I'm screenshotting this for future reference.

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> commented on **Tina Cohen-Chang**'s album _'Day out with Mike!'_: You both sicken me. All your pictures are so adorable.

- **Mike Chang**: Thanks! Love you Tina! This was such a great day!

- **Tina Cohen-Chang:** Love you too! Kurt, You only say that because Blaine never seems to look at the camera in his…

- **Quinn Fabray**: Considering I went out with Finn, I sympathise.

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> to **Rachel Berry**: Rachel, you know how you're over-the-top, controlling, short-sighted and completely ridiculous when it comes to your obsessions, particularly with glee club/anything?

- **Rachel Berry:** Yes. Or, as you could have worded it 'you know the defining characteristics of you being a future STAR?'

- **Kurt Hummel:** Well YOUTUBE is not the place for New Directions rehearsal videos.

- **Rachel Berry** Oh my god! The enemy have bee spying on us! (And just so you know, I uploaded them to better critique our performances, believe me you should do the same.)

**- Kurt Hummel**: I was only trying to help. No need to be your bossy and insulting self.

- **Wes Montgomery:** Anything on youtube is public domain. I would also like to point out that the Warblers have yet to infiltrate one of your practices

**- Blaine Anderson**: Best day ever. lessthanthree (**Kurt Hummel **likes this)

**- Rachel Berry: **You have inside information!

- **Wes Montgomery: **That 'inside information' (who for the record tells us nothing of value) just helped you out…

**- Kurt Hummel**: Rachel just set your videos so only friends can view them or something.

- **Rachel Berry**: How do I know this isn't some kind of ploy? You're not one of us any more!

**- David Thompson**: LOL 'only trying to hep' Kurt as if.

- **Kurt Hummel**: Shut up David.

**- Blaine Anderson**: What?

**- David Thompson**: Kurt just doesn't want you to find the videos of him you haven't already seen, I've saved them ALL to my computer though so no worries.

**- Blaine Anderson**: OMFG which ones haven't I seen?

**- David Thompson**: Kurt doing a duet…with himself and dressing the part for one. Not to mention one where he is the spitting image of his dad ;)

**- Blaine Anderson:** I'll be right over

- **Quinn Fabray**: OOOH! I forgot about that Kurt! I may have some pictures to post soon! (**Blaine Anderson** likes this)

**- Kurt Hummel**: FML…and fuck you Rachel.

**- Blaine Anderson**: Omg. Omg. Omg. Omg.

**- David Thompson**: Blaine is drooling right now. Thought you all should know as I have to watch the idiot first hand.

**- Kurt Hummel**: Fuck you as well.

- **Jesse St. James:** Rachel I am shocked you would make such a silly mistake.

- **Noah 'Puck' Puckerman**: Rachel what the fuck is that douchebag still doing on your friends list? (**9 people **like this)

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> does not know the meaning of a secure password. He also lusts after Mr. Creevy.

**- Blaine Anderson:** Wes and David, I hate you both. (**Wes Montgomery **and** David Thompson **like this)

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><p><strong>Quinn Fabray<strong> posted an album _'Kurt through the ages!'_**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel<strong> has been tagged in 14 pictures.**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>to** Quinn Fabray: **WHY.

**- Quinn Fabray:** Don't worry, if Blaine is still with you after all of this he will never leave you. 

**- Jeff Sterling **to** Quinn Fabray**: THANK YOU FOR THIS INCREDIBLE GIFT! (**Blaine Anderson** likes this)

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> to **Kurt Hummel: **How high are those gaga heels? O_o 

**- Mercedes Jones: **10 inches! 

**- Kurt Hummel: **I was made to wear them! 

**- Mercedes Jones: **BWAHAHA. LIAR. You bedazzled them yourself!

**- Kurt Hummel:** I have no friends.

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong> has changed his language to _Pirate_.

**Kurt Hummel **to **Blaine Anderson: **Pirate?

**- Blaine Anderson: **It's amazing! Bewitched portraits! And bottles of rum and when you're on your phone it calls it an AYEphone! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! This has made me so happy. AND YOU JUST SCRAWLED ON MY PLANK!

-** Kurt Hummel**: It sounds like you're the one on the chuffing to know in order to keep your attention I'll have to wear an eyepatch on our next date.

- **Blaine Anderson**: Just an eyepatch?

**- Wes Montgomery: **Lol so glad we FINALLY managed to offload him onto you Kurt he's your problem now!

- **Blaine Anderson**: Walk the planks ye scurvy dogs!

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson<strong>: Thinks that the only thing that could make his boyfriend 100% perfect instead of 99.9% is if he had a lightening scar :D

**- Kurt Hummel:** Seriously Blaine, again? Just log out!

**- Blaine Anderson**: Urm, that one was me.

**- Kurt Hummel**: Jesus fucking Christ. (**Jeff Sterling, Mercedes Jones, David Thompson **and** 12 others** like this)

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><p><strong>If your Facebook language isn't pirate you need to change that immediately because it's hilarious.<strong> 

**Pease let me know if you liked this or not, I may write more if so because I really enjoyed this!**

**(Probably too much…)**

**Thanks for reading!**

Blaine leaves Facebook loaded up far too often and needs a password change, Puck is a Facebook stalker, photo albums are Facebook's worst feature, and Kurt is going to kill Finn.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, well after the **overwhelming** response I got to the last chapter I was scared to post this…

Thank you all for that though, so, so, sooo much!

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><p><strong>Finn Hudson<strong> Just walked in on mom and Burt making out and now needs some bleach to pour over his eyes!

(**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman **likes this)

**- Kurt Hummel**: Oh. Just. What? Finn! Why would you put that on here? You didn't have to scar me too!

- **Finn Hudson**: Dude I shouldn't be the only one to suffer just because you aren't here!

- **Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: ** you guys will just have to get used to the fact that your rents have needs too – you know I bet they did it on their wedding night?

- **Finn Hudson**: Dude I'm going to kill you.

**- Kurt Hummel**: I'll hide the body.

- **Noah 'Puck' Puckerman:** They soooo did. Maybe you'll get a new addition to the family?

**- Kurt Hummel**: They did not. They laid next to each other keeping at a respectable distance, maybe holding hands.

- **Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: ** THEY HAD SEX! MAYBE THEY'RE HAVING IT NOW! Finn you almost saw it!

- **Finn Hudson**: Puck hide.

**- Kurt Hummel**: I'll get the shovel.

- **Brittany S. Pierce**: What does the bleach do, I wonder if it will get rid of the bags under my eyes?

**- Santana Lopez**: Britt I'M CALLING YOU NOW. PICK UP YOUR PHONE! xxxx

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><p><strong>Mercedes Jones<strong>, **Sam Evans, Quinn Fabray **and** 23 others **wrote on **Blaine Anderson's **wall for his birthday.

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><p><strong>Mike Chang <strong>to **Blaine Anderson: **Happy birthday!

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><p><strong>Thad Harwood<strong> to **Blaine Anderson: **Hey man didn't realise it was your birthday today! Any plans? Have a good one! x

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Why does everyone keep wishing me a happy birthday? :S

(**Wes Montgomery, Kurt Hummel, David Thompson **and **10 others **like this)

**- ****Kurt Hummel:** Oh my god Wes even I have to admit that was hilarious. (**Wes Montgomery** likes this)

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>Would like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes even if they are 7 months premature and thinks everyone should hop over to **Wes Montgomery's **page and say everything to him they have always wanted to because he won't be around for much longer!

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><p><strong>Mercedes Jones <strong>LOVES it when **Kurt Hummel **is home! Watching him and Miss **Rachel Berry **sing to the death for the last piece of cake only to find out **Tina Cohen-Chang **ate it before they finished has made this the best girls night yet!

**- Kurt Hummel: **Tina owes me cake. I allow myself to indulge at sleepovers!

-** Rachel Berry:** I can't believe she ate the reward for my talent!

- **Jeff Sterling: **I can't believe Kurt gets invited to the girl's sleepovers! (**Artie Abrams, Sam Evans **and **5 others **like this)

**- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: **I should just pretend to by gay to get chicks.

**- Kurt Hummel: **Puck the last time I saw you, you complained the girls didn't wear jeans as tight as I do. You already have to be at least bi.

**- Blaine Anderson: **Please, please stop looking at my boyfriend's ass…

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>to **Kurt Hummel: **Argh! On ye return to the home port what say we share a bottle o' rum and retire to the captains quarters?

- **Kurt Hummel: **Aye aye captain!

- **Blaine Anderson: **OH MY GOD, Pavarotti can be my parrot! We can call the ship 'The Klaine!'

**- Wes Montgomery**: Blaine you take things too far :/

- **Blaine Anderson:** :(

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><p><strong>Jeff Sterling<strong> no longer thinks that **Kurt Hummel **and **Blaine Anderson** are sweet. They are simply unbearable.

- **Thad Harwood**: Oh god. What are they doing now?

- **Jeff Sterling: **They kicked me out of the room because it's raining outside so they're having their picnic indoors instead.

**- David Thompson: **I'm gonna be sick.

- **Jeff Sterling: **Kurt threw a bagel at me when I asked him why they needed to sit on a picnic blanket when they're sat ON TOP OF THE QUILT ANYWAY

- **Santana Lopez: **Clearly Blaine is just trying to get some. (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman **likes this)

**- Mercedes Jones: **So happy for you both!

**- Wes Montgomery: **This is karma for us all complaining about how we wish they would get together so they could stop bugging us. Now they're even worse.

**- Finn Hudson: **Kurt! You are the reason Rachel is on the phone with me right now telling me how crap I am at romance. I hate you. (**Rachel Berry** likes this)

**- Quinn Fabray: **That is so sweet!

- **Nick Duval: **Sensing a definite gender divide on this status lol.

- **Lucy-Jane Greene:** Jeff maybe you should get off facebook and spend some time with me instead? Learn from your friends!

**- Thad Harwood: **ooooh!

**- Jeff Sterling: **I will have something special planned for the weekend, don't worry sweetie :) … Kurt/Blaine I'm going to kill you both.

- **Rachel Berry: **You lot should be taking notes! They're the only 2 guys that will be getting lucky any time soon and that's with each other! (**Lauren Zizes**, **Quinn Fabray** and **Tina Cohen-Chang** like this)

- **Kurt Hummel: **Jeff you're lucky I didn't throw my shoe at your head. Blaine says 'it's not our fault our relationship is superior to everyone else's.'

- **David Thompson: **Barf. (**Finn Hudson, Jeff Sterling **and **Wes Montgomery **like this)

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><p><strong>David Thompson <strong>tagged **Blaine Anderson **in a video '_Blaine falling off a table in rehearsal._'

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><p><strong>Kurt Hummel <strong>smells.

**- Kurt Hummel: **Blaine that is the worst facebook rape ever, I'm not even mad. You've just embarrassed yourself.

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><p><strong>Noah 'Puck' Puckerman<strong> is ditching maths! Who's with me?

(**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman **likes this)

- **Kurt Hummel: **Really? Liking your own status? Go to school!

- **Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: **Aren't you supposed to be in class yourself?

- **Kurt Hummel: **At least I'm in class! I'm already fluent in French, you have no excuse. (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman **likes this)

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><p><strong>Sam Evans <strong>would just like ONE football practice where we don't suck.

(**Artie Abrams **and **Finn Hudson **like this)

- **Kurt Hummel: **When's your next game? I'll try and make it :)

- **Artie Abrams: **It's next Friday Kurt but it might not be worth the effort. We're gonna get slaughtered.

- **Azimio Richards: **We don't want you there homo.

- **Sam Evans: **Why do I even have you on here? You're such an ass.

- **Finn Hudson: **Hey dude me and Puck will need a word with you tomorrow. (**Noah 'Puck' Puckerman **likes this)

- **Kurt Hummel: **Leave it Finn, he's one of the reasons why your football team has no star kicker anymore anyway ;)

- **Mike Chang: **Don't remind us, losing you from the team hurt us sooooo bad! (**Kurt Hummel **likes this)

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><p><strong>Blaine Anderson <strong>to **Kurt Hummel: **Football team?

- **Kurt Hummel: **That's one picture Quinn forgot to upload. I was the kicker on the team last year, only game they won.

- **Blaine Anderson: **I'm gonna be needing those pictures…

- **Kurt Hummel: **Ha. Ha. Ha.

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><p><strong>Santanna Lopez<strong> tagged **Kurt Hummel** in a picture.

(**Blaine Anderson** likes this)

- **Kurt Hummel: **Is nothing secret anymore?

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><p><strong>Thad Harwood<strong> to **Kurt Hummel: **Hey Kurt, football team's always on the lookout for new members…and there's already 6 Warblers on the team…

**- Kurt Hummel:** No.

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><p><strong>Brittany S. Pierce <strong>likes the page _'Fat cats are best!'_

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><p><strong>David Thompson<strong>: Okay I'm going to kill whoever's been on my facebook. Someone needs to give me step-by-step instructions on how to get to the settings page because it's in some weird language and I don't understand anything!

- **Blaine Anderson: **yes! Hahahahaha! :D

**- Wes Montgomery**: NO WAY! Blaine, you did that?

- **Blaine Anderson: **Yesssss :D

- **David Thompson: **Grudging respect since that's the first respectable joke you've ever pulled off on here.

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><p><strong>Finn Hudson <strong>Just lost 20 dollars playing poker.

- **Kurt Hummel: **Why would you play poker when you can't lie?

- **Artie Abrams: **Kurt he lost to me and I need the money so shut your mouth!

- **Kurt Hummel: **Carole will go mental if she finds out Finn!

- **Finn Hudson: **Yeah well Burt would go mental if he found out why it was you wore a scarf all this weekend. (**Blaine Anderson **and **Santanna Lopez **like this)

- **Kurt Hummel: **Touché.

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><p><strong>Wes Montgomery<strong> wrote on the wall for _'The Warblers': _Movie night tonight guys! Bring films and we'll vote later!

- **Jeff Sterling:** Bring snacks!

- **Kurt Hummel: **I might be 2 hours late considering that's how long it took for everyone to chose a film last time and I cant be bothered to relive that.

**- David Thompson:** Well we can't be bothered to watch you and Blaineikins snuggle throughout the movie but we can't all get what we want :)

**- Blaine Anderson:** I'll bring the Harry Potters!

**- Thad Harwood:** Blaine, David just said we can't all get what we want. You should consider that before you're disappointed. (**Kurt Hummel **and **16 others** liked this)

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><p>AN: I hope anyone reading after liking the first chapter of this isn't disappointed. It's harder to come up with ideas than you think :/

Also, I am writing another story, this is from Burt's point of view and will be drabbles and one-shots that will be Klaine-centric, so if you're interested in that the first chapter is up :)


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